I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
