ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
