i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
