he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
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