So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
