I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
