You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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