why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
