Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
