I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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