She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
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In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
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You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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