Pregnant stripper...not hot.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
