My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
