If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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