so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
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