i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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