yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
