i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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