Welp...herpes.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
