I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
