So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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