i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
