hotel room ftw
Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
