my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
