I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
