Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Randomize
