Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
