I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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