I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
