i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
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