So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
