im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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