just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Randomize
