dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
