i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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