I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
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