i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Randomize
