i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
