You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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