We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Randomize
