What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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