I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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