The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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