she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
