how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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