And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
40s are totally the cure
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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