I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
