i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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