Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
how does that bad decision feel?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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