Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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