a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
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Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
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Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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