I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
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My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
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He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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