i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
