I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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