i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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